Wednesday.

Weight -

• Under 163.  Woot.  (It figures, right - that it changes as soon as I missed a few days of walking.  I walked yesterday, but I missed a couple days prior to that.)

• Breakfast  - Unsweetened soy milk cappuccino, 1 slice provolone cheese (I was making sandwiches)
• Snack - 4 oz Breakstones Liveactive Cottage Cheese + 1/2 Atkins Chocolate Coconut Endulge Bar
  
• Lunch -  2 slices ham, melted cheddar cheese.
• Snack - 1 chocolate chip cookie, 1 Atkins Chocolate Coconut Endulge Bar.  (These can't be in my house.  DANGEROUS.  Way too many calories for three bites.)
  
• Dinner - A couple bites steak, a few bites baked plain potato.
  
• Bed -

I have a big watermelon sitting on the counter.  It wants me to attack it, but I will wait.  I don't want any surprise blood sugar reactions.

I'm contemplating my walk.  After yesterday's seizure out of nowhere - I almost hate to drag my butt out to walk, because, "What if?"  This was my problem to begin with, back in January, I didn't want to put the baby at risk if I were to stop, drop and seize in the middle of the road somewhere.  There is no warning.  It's bad enough that I travel with a glucose meter, food and phone because my blood sugar drops out of the sky sometimes, and I don't want to walk sideways into traffic, but a seizure would definitely make me roadkill faster.

I wonder, and I am just hypothesizing here, that the series of lows have not damaged my brain in some way, since the seizures are not actually TRIGGERED by the lows.  Why else would I now - start having seizures - at the age of 29? 

Someone asked me - What Do You Want To Do?  Make It Happen!  Quit Whining!

I don't know what to do, it's not that I don't want to do something, I do. 

I want to go to "school" or work, but the HOW is just overwhelming. 

If you haven't been trapped like this - you don't really get it.  I know what I don't WANT to do:  those choices are obvious to me, but when I say it out loud, I sound ungrateful and whiny and a bit like Veruca.  I don't WANT to work at Wal-Mart.  I WANT to get some classes, certifications, something... skillz!  I want to utilize them before my brain explodes.  Wanting doesn't mean poop though.  Because, classes require time and money, and time is money.

What don't I have?  Money, and the ability to drive at the moment.

I am giving it more thought  now that I am chained to my house for an unknown length of time.  Be prepared to deal with me, because, now I'm never going away.  :P

Comments

[Deb R]

Hey MM....I can help you! I am a college advisor/counselor.

[Donna]

Oh, Mama... you'll figure it out. Here's a couple of things... when I enrolled in school online (St. Leo University through University Allicance) it was extremely easy to get loans that don't have to be paid back until later, as long as you are continually enrolled. But, what about self-study on something? You might at least feel productive towards your goals, and self-study materials are far less expensive than school. I'm considering it for my NASM CPT certification. Just a couple thoughts... not like I have the answers.

[Bette]

What a gyp! (No ethnic slur intended.) Like Donna wrote above there are many paths for you to take. I don't know what it would be like to be chained to my home and I don't know how stressful it must be to be always wondering about a seizure but I do know I'm glad you are telling us about it. I hope we help a little my friend. Vent away!

[EGSuzie]

First...congrats on <163.
Second...online classes at the local community college are super affordable and will keep you completely busy. I take every online class that I am able. It is such a fantastic asset to be able to participate in lecture at any hour, and to test online and have immediate results! We usually have a PP lecture presentation that can be downloaded and saved for viewing anytime. Also, we have online discussion boards for specified topics of discussion related to course work; they are graded, as well. Of course, you must be the type to self-motivate (that's you, right?) in order to have success in these classes. I absolutely love them! In fact, I am on the waiting list @ #4 for my last class (Psych) before I can apply to the nursing program. In the fall, I want to take an American History online to complete my AS degree. It really is something to consider...it could at least get you started on a degree or certificate of some sort.

[Heather E]

Online community college classes are a very good starting place. Even if it is just one to help you get your footing.

[Jennifer]

Super Cool on the 163!!!
Also do you get sick of peoples rude comments?? Overnight I was surfing around and found some old comments to you about food and the kids from last year and I was pissed. How about you?

[Melting Mama]

Jen,

I have to block crap like that out. Frankly - I am shocked I don't garner more of that kind of commenting. I don't generally delete it, I leave it up, so what you see is what I get. I delete the obvious spam, the looking to sell stuff spam and the s-e-x crap, but the "OMG your kids r teh fatz" comments, what can I do? I step right into it.