melting mama

How did I get here?

I completely admit to swiping this from The Pioneer Woman website.  There's like two thousand comments on this one post - so it must be quite the interesting.  Discuss:

How similar is your life now to how you imagined it ten years ago? Twenty years ago? Are you exactly where you imagined you’d be? Or are you constantly asking yourself, “How did I get here?” Do you mourn the unrealized plans in your life? Or are you happy no matter what your circumstances?

Twenty years ago?  I am a little too young to be wondering how I might have imagined life when I was nine years old.  I don't think I ever thought of myself as a parent to half of a Scout Troop at any point though.  I I probably knew that dancing was never going to be my full-time occupation, because I forgot my tights.

Ten years ago - I was nineteen.  I was already engaged, and had not one, but nearly two babies.  If you were to ask me then where I thought I might be in 2008 at age 29? 

My answer would be very realistic, I would bet. Although, I didn't forsee having two additional children (yeah, what about that?!) but I definitely knew that any major plans for career "advancement," (joke) and college would probably sit on the back burner until I had either:

• A) finances to afford me tuition, we were VERY broke back then, I had quit college myself earlier because I was pregnant and couldn't work full time and go to school and be pregnant.
• B) My kids were in full-time school so that I could work.

I saw myself getting the kids into school, getting myself established in college and getting a "REAL"
professional job.  I figured by NOW, age 29, I would be well on my way in a career, and I would not be any part of a "SAHM."

Sure, a lot has happened, even if it feels like not a damn thing has happened either in the last ten years, because I never got a "job."  I have had a bunch of jobs, part-time and a few full-time, but, only a few would have ever amounted to anything I could put on a resume.

I am still waiting for that.  There really isn't much I can do at this point because I am stuck not being able to drive due to my seizures.  (Didn't see those coming ten years ago, or five years ago either.)  But, if even if that little issue were wiped out - it's still a lot of work (mostly money, it always comes down to the mighty dollar) to get where I want to be.

I think I need a re-do.  I could re-assess.  My goals have been pushed out further and further. 

Where do I see myself at 35?  Alive.  I hope.  That's the first goal.  That's not sarcastic.  I would like to live., as healthy as possible.

Beyond that - I want to have had completed a degree or professional certification.  I want to begin this by January of 2009, but getting it arranged or physically getting to/from school is the issue.  By 35, I want to be beyond (by years) done.  I want to be working, preferably in biz for myself.

Family-wise,  I hope that we are out of this house before we kill one another.  That's it.  Six humans cannot live in this much square footage.

back to "normal."

Mr. MM is back to work.  That means I am back to blogging if only because we are again stuck in my radius of where I am willing to walk to with four children in tow.  That's not why I write, but it definitely gives me the time to do so.  Every time Mr. MM is on vacation, we do not go on vacation, he applies for alternative employment, even if we are all too aware that the grass may not be greener, because it's probably brown and burnt to a crisp in this economy.  (Really, that is what we do on vacation.  Every single time.  We have not been on a family vacation or otherwise aside from some camping *not.a.vacation.in.my.book* um, ever?)

He got several phone calls - and two or three offers - without even really properly interviewing.  He does not realize that the grass truly is not greener, these other positions offered nearly one third to one HALF of his income, all of them.

"Well, you see, Mr. MM, we start all of our new prospects in this District Training program and in this program you will be started at such and such dollars for a billionty hours per week, and we think that is quite fair, are you ready to sign on?"

He may have had a jaw-drop moment a few times.  I was surprised by his ability to turn the conversations around and tell the recruiters and HR peeps to stuff it in the nicest way possible. 

I don't know what he expected from the kind of jobs he applied for, I know what he wants.  He wants a job with equivalent pay to what he earns NOW with room for advancement in the near future - because he is stuck.

I know what we "need."  We need another income.  I am willing.  I might call one of the recruiters.  One job he phone-ter-viewed for?  I'm totally appropriate for.  The income I would earn with him - would be amazingly helpful.  A-mazing.  For him to earn that kind of money, no good, for me?  It pays bills, many, fast.

That is, if I can get there, and you know, not tell them I have kids.

OMGZ.

I like totally didn't blawgz yesterday.  Is that a first, in like, a year?  Whoa.  There is no excuse for it either.  It's not like I went to the fireworks. 

We did go to the birthplace of America, but, we left LONG BEFORE THE PYROTECHNICS would make me have seizures.  I hate fireworks under normal circumstances, but, add that to the situation with being on Dopey-max and in the dark with 1,000,000 other loons, no thank you.  Instead, we went and parked the car in an actual parking spot (not in a fucking lot where they were charging $15-20) and dropped $4.00 in quarters in, to walk for a few hours, and take in some people watching.  I took a couple photographs, but quickly realized, my camera lens is filthy and needs a cleaning, bad. 

We had lunch, we ordered and shared an eight ounce bacon-wrapped filet of bloody raw steak, and I closed my eyes and chewed, because it's so good for me I just have to GET PAST THE TEXTURE and eat the damn thing.  I ate three bites of the outer rim, and all the bacon and two bites of the blue cheese.  (Next time, a few more minutes of cooking, and that cow is ALL MINE.  OMG, Yum.  MOO.)  Thing is, I can't digest "well done," why I can digest jerky is beyond me?

We watched half of Plymouth get towed, as the police were on lots of overtime, and thought it was the most hilarious thing ever, and I wondered about being the woman I always see with the tickets that walked around ticketing the cars.  Perfect job.  On her feet all day - walking.

We walked and walked, until the toddler terrah said, "My go nigh-nigh," and we walked no more and did the MOST AMERICAN THING WE COULD DO.

We fucking went to Wal-Mart.  Instead of watching American Pyro-technical displays?  We bought decaf espresso beans and bags of salad.  Heh.

Then, when I got home, it was early, and if you hadn't noticed, this was a DATE, we were down a few kids?  So, let's keep the fun rolling!  Let's - GO FOR A WALK!  More walking ensued.  I dragged Mr. MM on my 3.74 miles.  But, we added a point whatever miles to it to make it more like an actual 4+ miles.   I can't keep pace with him.  His legs are *that much longer* than mine and he walks *that much faster* and makes me get a cramp in my side.  At a certain point, about ten minutes from the house, I said, "Why don't you just jog the rest of the way?"  And, he did for a couple minutes.  (And, quit when I was out of sight.)

Intake yesterday, to the best of my memory (HA.)

• 1 cup of Keurig coffee with Diet Cocoa.
• A few bites steak, bacon, blue cheese, green salad.
• 1 dark chocolate truffle. (HEAVEN.)
• Decaf Iced Coffee.
• 1 corn bread/butter slice. (Leftovers from lunch, should not have taken with us!)
• 3 glucose tabs (while walking, crashed from the bread.)
• 1/2 cup Dannon Light + Fit, 1/2 cup berries, 1 scoop Protein, 1 oz SF Vanilla, BLENDED.
• 2 slices light wheat bread, 1 slice cheese.

Exercise

1+ hour walking, pushing + not pushing stroller, plus 1+ hour casual walking pushing stroller.

My bad.

Rule number one?

Don't post before you drink your caffeine kicks in, and your brain is not functioning at it's typical non-functional capacity. 

I listened to an interview this morning with a Bariatric Surgeon (because I was reading HIS website to sort of pre-review his "Full-Bars"...) and what I heard in the interview was this, "a 95% failure rate," at five years out for weight loss surgery, and I came here and posted it immediately.  But, "what I heard," what just that, because I was half-asleep.  This was a stat from a NIH study from years ago.

Oops.

By all means, do not read this if you are enjoying your summer.

(I need a summer vacation.  I'm not asking much.

I would consider camping! But, the camper is for sale, and it was never registered or anything and I don't have a tow vehicle. LOL.)

It's 7:37am on a Friday and it's still only June and when does school start again?  When can I drive again?  When?  When?  When?

I feel like one of those annoying fucking yippy dogs at the window. 

"Yippy!  Yippy!  Yippy!  Yip!  Yip  Yip!!"   (Translated:  "Go for a ride, Go for a ride, Go Go Go?")

I have already used day-camp as a threat for one child, because her attitude sucked and she hated it last time, so her attitude changed.

The other two big kids might still get a little day-camp thrown in for good measure.  Maybe just a session, if it is available, as it is quite inexpensive and cheaper than the sheer amount of duct tape it will require to affix the two of them to the ceiling for the same length of time because they have:

"Nothing to do because everyone else gets to leave and we have to stay home all the time because you can't drive and everyone else has camp/swimming/sports/friends and we have to stay here and whine."

If I start hearing too much misery, I tell everyone to get sneakers on, and we walk.  But, if you read my last post about that, it doesn't happen that often, because it causes more misery.

For what it's worth, even when I do drive, we didn't do that much in the summer, although it was a hell of a lot more than this.  We would leave the house at least once a day if I wasn't working.  (Lots of playground time, beach, walking, grandma's pool... and they had camp, if I worked.)

My response?  "Go read a book.  Would it hurt you to read a book?"

"Probably." 

Then they go play for a length of time and the cycle repeats until Dad gets home between 5:30pm and 7:30pm.

This is what concerns me about finding a way to pay for photography college. But, paying $4.09 a gallon for gas sucks more.

From this week's Postsecret.

I have no idea.  I just love to take photographs.  I want to learn.  I am willing to learn.  I just have no patience and no financial means to pay the college.  And, I am afraid that no one would take me seriously if I showed them an online certificate that "paid for."  Sure, it only costs about $1000 for an online digital photography course, but that's not it.

The sun'll come out, tommorrow.

So, it's sunny now.  My grass, it's like, ten feet high, it's been raining for days.  I just said out loud, "I should mow the lawn."  Did I tell you what I got for Mother's Day? 

That's right, boys and girls, *insert Bob Barker voice* A New Used Car!  Shut up. 

But, what else did I get?  A nice lawn-mowing service every two weeks.  Methinks Mr. MM thought that MM is probably Not A Good Idea Pushing A Gas-Powered Blade right now.  Even without the added benefit of seizures, I am really fun with motors as a hypoglycemic, too.  Can you see me pushing a lawnmower, at 35 mg?  Whee!  I have five hundred reasons why I am not mowing the lawn, even if I want to.  I have a headache.  I am dizzy.  I cannot see straight.  I am not making this shit up to get out of mowing the grass, it's true.  I feel like crap, it's the medicine that's supposed to keep me from flopping like a fish that is causing me to feel like a pile of steamy poop, I know this, because I FELT pretty damn decent until the other day when the dosage was increased.  People, I was walking five miles a day.  Now, I can't even walk to the bathroom without forgetting why.  (This too, had better freaking pass.)

So maybe the lawn mowing wasn't my gift, maybe that was my suggestion, but it was really inexpensive.  He just doesn't have the time.  By the time he's through with work and college, and then I am begging to go somewhere, I don't want to sit here and watch him mow the grass in the few hours left once or twice a week we have.  Somehow, it doesn't really bother me to watch someone else do it. ;)

The sweet smell of.

Do you remember that bet I made, that bet about my laptop?  Well, it's bound to happen soon.  There is a strange burning smell emanating from the internal bits of the computer.  It's a combination of cheese and urine.  Mmmm, tasty.  I'm not sure I want to know why, but I am pretty certain it's going to implode.  I spent a better part of my morning looking for a smell, when I realized, "wait, that's coming from inside this keyboard."

If I told you I bought a car yesterday, can you only imagine what happened last night? (I will give you two guesses.)

It's pretty anti-climactic now that we purchased a vehicle for me yesterday, and that I am now tied into a car payment.  Because?  One of the most ironic things that could have happened just as soon as I got it home, did.

Let's just say that my anti-seizure medication has now been increased, and I cannot drive my brand-new used car.

Get in my head? Then, maybe, get in my pants.

The Parent Bloggers Network is teaming up with GetInHerHead.com, it's a free service for couples who want to get it right every time.  Most men want to be better at giving, but they’re just not wired to listen as closely and remember details. 

This service is set up so that we can give them that little nudge, or Big Freaking Shove they need to remember what we might like and when it's supposed to get there.  We, as helpful wives or significant others, create a profile of our favorites, our sizes, and details, and he can see these things before setting out or going online to find that special something.  I think, it's super idea, in theory, because haven't we all gotten a gift that might have said, "This is perfect for your Mama!" in the store - but when Mama opened it - it said, "Back to the store, Mama?"

What well-meant, but ill-fated gift have YOU received for Mothers' Day (or other holiday) from your husband (or kids, though, it's not fair, because I think kid gifts are cool, because they're usually hand-made and from the heart) in the past?  Any funny stories to share?  Photos are, a bonus.  :)  Post it on your blog and link back to The Parent Bloggers Network + GetInHerHead.com and get a chance to score $250 for your fave spa.

Bring the car around, Robert.

You do not realize how difficult it is not being able to drive until you are left to depend on someone else to bring you where you need to go for every little thing. 

Quickly, you whittle what you "need to do" down to the very basics.  This means going to doctor appointments and the grocery store.

I am officially living the life of a retired elderly "disabled" person who just happens to have four kids under the age of eleven. 

I ain't havin' it.  This sucks.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with the hematologist, which was scheduled, but, for whatever reason, Mr. MM was planning to work.  He worked around it, went in and conducted an interview, and left for the day to take me to my appointment.  His boss emailed him, half-jokingly asking something about taking the day off again, eh?  Mr. MM wasn't sure if he was joking or not - so he very quickly responded with his schedule for three weeks, and a hundred reasons why it was okay that he would be off for the day, etc.  His boss replied with a quip about how he really was joking, and that he just wanted to chat a bit about a "Potential Opening."  Had he been "there," maybe they would have chatted, and now things are delayed because I can't drive.

My inability to be independent is causing friction, and I ain't havin' it.  It sucks. 

If this opportunity comes for him - and he just has to take it - he will be gone more than he is now - therefore unavailable as a taxi.  Even if I only abuse the chauffeur privilege twice weekly now - if he gets a new position in his company I would not be able to keep him home on a Friday afternoon for doctor appointments that may be quite routine for life as it is now. 

What do people with seizure disorders and other interfering conditions do, surely they don't have drivers?  Surely they don't follow the rules, either.

I guess this is to say - I am applying for legit paid work in or out of the house, again.  I am buying a new car, soon.  I have to be able to have wheels at my disposal, or a driver.  This is ridiculous.  My kids hardly have any after-school activities, but that's because I didn't sign them up for any, because, I can't get them there.  But, then there's football soon - which happens a million nights a week.  Are we going to walk to football - all five of us - four miles?   Then, there's the summer, and four kids with "nothin' to dooooooooo...." and me with no extraneous money or a car.  It's going to be super-fun around here sitting in the house.

I can't keep vacuuming in circles in my 800 square feet, even if I do work, I will still vacuum in circles, always have.  (If Mr. MM gets a new position with higher pay, it won't be that imperative that I find actual go-to work right now while I still require baby-sitters, but we've been through this cycle before, several times.)

You don't realize how much freedom a wheels and a couple bucks gives, eh? 

Before anyone moans about "How can you even worry about taking on a job, with four kids, and this and that, blah blah blah?" I'm not talking about brain surgery, just mindless stuff again, making coffee, scanning groceries, yanno.  I need to pull in the play money for clothes and things that we need and lots that we like to have.  Mr. MM pays all the bills, thank goodness, we'd be sunk if I had been making an actual income when I had the seizures.

It would only happen to us. Where is the luck?

(I hate to even post this.  But, I'm laughing, and I will take a picture, of one of the dramas, not the other.)

Last night after I had my icky hypoglycemic event, I sat up for a while, to make sure I would digest my "rescue" food of cellophane-wrapped peanut butter crackers nicely and not dump on them.  I have dumped on them, so I was prepared to sit through a harsh heart-pounding sick, and subsequent short round of hypoglycemia (yes, again, that's how it works) and then head to bed when it was over, and I was safe.  A few moments after testing my blood sugar back in a normal range, I heard it. 

The Child IS Going To Vomit In The Very Near Future, It's Just A Matter Of Time Gagging Cough. 

I ran to the top of the stairs to listen, and called down to him, warning, "She's going to puke.  I am telling you, within a half-hour, she will vomit."  Less than a minute later, exorcist-style, with bonus side-to-side sprinkler action!  He grabbed her during the last of the spews and ran to the tub.  I got the funner job.  Needless to say she was up most of the night, not feeling well.  I don't know if this was the result of a long day yesterday with no nap and some questionable snacks at a party - or - a virus that her cousin just had.  IF it's the virus, this would be the quickest incubation ever. 

On to the second part of the drama.   Bob has today off.  I sent him to CVS early this morning, for something and some Pedialyte, just in case, and the pharmacy doesn't open until too late AM, so he drove off to the grocery store.   He got to a stop light, where a man, in a big ass truck in front of him, decided he was Too Far Ahead Of The Stop Line and Put The Truck in REVERSE.

Do you see where this is headed?  Bob, putting the HYUNDAI made of plastic and cotton-balls, in reverse himself, "OH poopZ!  I'M GONNA DIE!" 

The man in the truck, penetrated Bob's Hyundai with his trailer hitch.  Uh-yup.  A big hole.  Bob, is having a ****ing heart attack, because, "Not Again!"  And, "We Just Swapped Insurance Providers," And, "We only have one car!" 

The guy climbs out, apologizing, and then says, "Wait, don't I know you?"

Bob says, "Yeah, you're one of my customers."

When Bob came home and showed me the information of the truck that backed into him, my Rainman-like brain kicked in.  I realized, "Hey, that's the man on all the gas pumps in town.  And, and, on the thing that you weigh your fruits on at the grocery store!"  I know him!  I know him!" 

I'm special, I told you.  I haven't a clue who he is, but his signature is on every sealed piece of equipment in town, he's a town official.

So, this guy is terrified of insurance companies and didn't want anything done above board, and begged Bob not to tell.  What he didn't know is that Bob had called the insurance company, been to the PD and filed claim all before coming home from the grocery store.  Can you blame him?  Not really. 

Our company called the guy and he wouldn't talk.  Bob called him and said, "Listen, I've already told them what happened, I can't lie about it now."  But, he's been apologetic, and I truly believe it's about the money - and he doesn't want his own insurance rates to increase - but having been there this year ourselves - poop happens.

 

Celebrating 2,000 posts! Contest time!

It had to happen.  One more post...

How to piss off half of the elementary school.

We went to a birthday party this weekend at a roller-skating rink, and since my daughter had never been on skates at an actual rink before, and this was asking for an ambulance, I went with her on the rink.  Mind you, I haven't been on skates since I was probably thirteen or fourteen at this same exact rink (under new ownership) and come to think of it - the skates I put on last night - were likely the same skates I was handed when I was thirteen - they smelled just the same.  Yum-o.  I still don't know how to stop myself on skates, but I can go around in circles pretty well.  She went about four feet at a time, and stopped, complaining about every possibly sensory issue there could be. 

"These skates weigh five hundred pounds, they're too tight, they smell like 1980, I can't do this, they hurt, you stink, they are too heavy, shouldn't I have a helmet,  a walker?  Anything?  HELP ME!"  It was horrifying for her.  Seeing as we are having another shindig there in a month, she is not happy.  "I'm so not going back.  I am never skating again."  Oh well.

But, the point of the post.  We were down a couple kids, and Bob came along.  He was on baby duty, and we had been out all day with my oldest daughter and the youngest.  He was wearing an offensive t-shirt.  I had warned him that he "Probably shouldn't wear that in public."  But, "Whatever, it's my day off, I don't give a poop."  This is what he gets for shopping at Steve + Barry's for his "not working today clothing," they're known for cheap-o tee shirts, many quite blunt and offensive.

So, we're at the party, him quite unaware that anyone would give a crap about his shirt, considering no one talked to him anyway.  He went about his business with the baby, following her around.  Then he saw it, the whispering, the hush-hushed, hands over mouth to ear whispering.  Then, I saw it next to me, these women, blatantly hiding their conversation and staring at me and Bob.  I ignored it at this point, because I hadn't talked with him. 

When I caught up with him a few minutes later, he says, "I just got the Look Of Death.  This woman walks past me, looks me up and down, rolls her eyes to the back of her head and scowls."  The woman - as far as I know, is like The PTO.  (Yes, I am so far removed it's not even funny.)   

He didn't do anything, just continued on with the kid.  Then it occurred to me, my daughter had been sort of ignored as a guest to the party, too.  She didn't get a glow necklace upon arrival like the other kids, didn't get a goody bag, and none of the parents (aside from the few I knew for other reasons) talked to me or Bob.  We ended up leaving a half-hour early.  My daughter wasn't having fun, because she felt left out, and wouldn't "ask" for a goody bag.  To be perfectly honest - the only reason she was invited to the party - her school has a required "invite the whole class or ain't nobody gets invited" rule.  This was a boy's party - a ten year old boy who didn't even speak to my child.

Oh, the tee-shirt?  It read:  "I speak Hawaiian,  Hai Iwannalaiya."

Empty Shell.

She was out of surgery and awake last night, no real updates, but I think this whole plastic surgery thing has become old hat and there really isn't any drama left, that is, until she's home for a few days and gets The Vertigo again and The Infections come back.  I broke all sorts of HIPAA laws yesterday and hacked her account with the hospital at her request.  She wanted to know her blood work levels before going under the knife again, she had been worried about her protein levels - but not knowing what the abbreviation for protein was - I couldn't tell - and by the time I got into the system, she was already being nipped and tucked again.  The only thing I noted was slight anemia, but I'm no expert.  Oh, and she's been diagnosed repeatedly with bradycardia - slow heart-rate.  Her list of pre-WLS co-morbids has dwindled significantly, she's got nothing wrong, but things that might go in the other direction, like so many of us.  After these procedures, I anticipate that she will be easily 140 pounds and in a size six.  Bitch.

Now, when the fun of cutting yourself on purpose for many tens of thousands of dollars wears off, and you are left with this tiny body and no stomach capacity - what's next?  For her, I fear that she will need something, anything, to fill the void that apparently food once filled.  For some of us, maybe we find things, or a combination of things, but I'm afraid for her - her personality just begs for a transfer to something else.  To be perfectly honest, staying addicted to food would be a "safer" alternative if it didn't also mean that the co-morbids in her case might come back.  This goes for any one of us, I'm not singling her out, it's just when you realize the whirlwind of the last 18-24 months, she's going to be in a funny place in a few weeks when she's healed and there isn't anything "left?"

Just something to think about - what do you do with what's "left?"

The answer isn't as easy as you think.  "Go to therapy" is not an answer.

That time of year again.

For new glasses.  I know, big whoop.  I was considering going with contact lenses, but with the bizarre effects of brain altering medications, I am not so sure I would handle Something On My Eyeballs Damn It! very well right now.  Not to mention that I have to take them out before bed every night and forgetting to do so will leave me with sticky eyeballs and I don't enjoy that.  Every year when I go to get my eye exam and new specs, I always consider, "Why not just get contacts?" and I never do, because I still need new glasses in addition, because I am so blind, I have to wear one or the other all the time, including middle of the night pee runs.


Considering the cost of frames and lenses, eye surgery seems like the best option every year, but it's a big expense in one shot, and I don't know if it's even indicated with my eye issues.  That means, it's glasses.  I need new glasses.  My insurance only has one local "dealer" where I can get a free exam and a "discount" on my lenses, so I am sort of stuck with what they have to offer.  Sure, what they have to offer are DKNY, D & G, and similar name-brand frames, I'm not complaining, they sho is purdy.  And it's not even the frames that are that expensive, it's my prescription lenses, this annual trip usually costs up to $500.00, which is why I try to put it off or wait until I can't see anymore.  It's time, I'm squinting again.  :/

But, you keep emailing me!  "Beth, try this:  $8 Zenni Optical Rx Eyeglasses.  I'm a cynic, can it be for real?  It is!   Could you imagine how many pairs of glasses I could own?  After my exam, because I need an exam to make sure my eyes are still there, I will maybe try it?  Zenni says, "ZenniOptical.com Sells Stylish Prescription Glasses Online. You will find huge selection of frames, with single vision lens, sunsensor (potochromic) lens, tinted suglasses lens, bifocal lens and progressive lens. The Secret to Zenni's  Low Prices is that they sell only their own manufactured frames direct to the customer, with no middlemen and virtually no advertising budget."

I will let you know.

Duct tape. Velcro. And, a padded room.

Play a country song backwards. (For me, please?)

We're fine.  The truck?  Not so much., originally uploaded by Melting Mama.

$81.50 or 26 gallons of gas in the tank this morning.
Driving the truck for the FIRST TIME in three weeks.
Totaling it on the way home from the grocery store?

(Your life turning into a bad country song?  Yes, I still have my humor.)

Priceless.

"Ya wanna know what ya get when you play a country song backwards?"

Ya get your house back-
Ya get your dog back
Ya get your best friend Jack back
Ya get your truck back-
Ya get your hair back
Ya get your first and second wives back
Your front porch swing, your pretty little thing
Your bling bling bling
And a diamond ring
You get your farm and the barn
And the boat and the Harley
First night in jail with Charlie

It sounds a little crazy,
A little scattered and absurd
But that's what you get when you play a country song backwards

Well, I never heard it said quite like that
It hit me in the face
'Cause that's where I'm at
I almost fell flat on the floor-
He said
"Wait a minute, that's not all there's even more"

Ya get your mind back,
Your nerves back
Your first heart attack back
You get your pride back,
Get your life back
You get your first real love back
You get your big screen TV
A DVD and a washing machine
You get the pond and the lawn
The bail and the mower
You get to back where you don't know her

It sounds a little crazy,
A little scattered and absurd
But that's what you get when you play a country song backwards.

Yes, as the picture says, "we're fine."  The truck?  Not so much.  I guess keeping my car anonymous for the blog doesn't matter anymore, it's ****ing totaled.

What happened?

We had a snow storm this morning, and Bob fired up the truck to use it for the first time in about three weeks - and we took off to breakfast.  The roads were alright, and things seemed fine.  After breakfast and coming back home, I decided to venture out on my own to CVS and the grocery store, because Bob goes back to work tomorrow.  I even asked a kid or two to go with me, and I am so lucky nobody came.

SO LUCKY.

About two miles from home, on a country road, my Dodge Ram 2500 which was in 4WD, started skidding across the street, ever-so-slowly-and-thought-my-life-was-over.

I was going about 30 MPH, on this slippery road, when I realized that the car wasn't responding to the brakes.  I could not stop.  I saw in front of me - a GIANT oak tree - and I was headed straight for it.  I guess I was able to veer just to the left of that tree, because, my truck impacted with that tree's lowest branch on the entire passenger side and roof, just missing ME. 

It happened so "slowly" - I saw every moment occur.

I was yelling at myself, "Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no..."  and I thought for sure I'd get seriously hurt.

The car humped up over a stone retaining wall just feet away from a house that I've said (on many occasions) that I "loved."  (It's my favorite street.)  It balanced just "so" - but I thought it was going to flip.  I ripped the keys out and jumped out with my bag and cellphone to dial 911. 

Thanks, Verizon, for not having reception to my phone and being CUT OFF while on the phone in emergency mode.

The owner of the house came out, very calmly and nicely - and had me come in to use her phone.  She couldn't have been sweeter, considering I nearly drove into her living room.  She allowed me to use her phone to call the police.

It was deemed a weather related event, because of the icing.  I'm in no trouble, thank goodness, because - it was a true accident.

I'm home now - the truck is sitting in a lot - trashed.  There is damage everywhere - but I am so lucky - that nothing happened WHERE I was.  Had my 10 year old been in the front passenger seat where she usually is on shopping trips, she would have been hurt.  (She went at the last minute, with a friend to play today.)

Did you play the lottery today?  Somebody's luck has GOT to change.

Once again resolving not to resolve anything.

I remember writing my "goodbye 2006" post last year at this time, with this:

"2007 had better be an improvement.  I can't predict the future, but I've got a positive outlook on the coming year.  I'm a cynical person by nature, and I always find the negative about a situation, but... this year Has To Be Better, damn it. So.  Come on 2007.  Bring it."

I'm glad to go back and re-read and see that I did not make A Single Resolution for 2007. 

Because, if I had? I am sure I would have completely mucked it up and not accomplished any of them.  I should have simply stated that I wanted to survive 2007, because, by golly I did!  And, how!  We're all alive, we're all healthy - and not a damn thing has changed, really.

The usual resolutions that people make this time of year?  Lose weight, quit sucking cancer, get a new job:  I resolved to do none of those things, and I did none of them.  I succeeded in 2007, I resolved to do nothing and did nothing.  I did it, I resolved to not resolve and it worked.

I'm starting 2008 in basically the same situation as 2007:

• I didn't resolve to lose weight.  I'm practically the same weight. I didn't really lose or gain any substantial amount of weight this year, I fluxed about 10 lbs, but have maintained an average of where I am this very moment.  Actually, if I weren't considered "nearly obese" at this weight, it would be a huge success as a post-WLS'er to maintain a loss of most of my excess body weight at three years and ten months out.
• I didn't resolve to Quit Anything, because I don't really have any unhealthy habits beyond coffee and sugar, so.... I succeeded in that.
• I didn't resolve to get a job, because that's just obvious - and while I did get a few random part-time gigs, and one that I'm still doing now, I succeeding in NOT getting a "real job."

I did it.  2007 was a success of unsuccessful proportions!  Not only for me, I'm sure of it. 

Even my husband was sort of let down with 2007.  He applied for a Really Good (More! Money!) Job and was practically given it and it was taken away due to some quirk, he then applied for a higher-level job at his current company and was passed up.  Some good came out of this year - as he began college (again) online, and is maintaining a fantastic GPA, an this can only help him out in the long run with his career, once he gets past all of the requirements like World! Religion!  He has also basically maintained a lower body weight - and right now he's at the lowest he's been for about two years (179 lbs today) since he's prepping for plastic surgery THIS WEEK.  He's ending the year in a better place - with more opportunity lurking around the corner, but, like everything - it can't happen quick enough.

As of this writing - December 30, 2007 - I resolve to not resolve anything.  I will though - state that there are things I will be working on - regardless of the fact that it's a New Year.

• I must lose a few pounds.  I will, I'm having several CUT OFF OF MY BODY in 30something days, that's a given.  So, regardless of me losing actual fat cells, I will lose a few - even if it costs me $7,000.  So there!
• I must find a big-girl job, part or full time, I just need to.  I can't give up 30-40 hours for minimum wage.  I can't.  I am, and I will - I am buying the groceries, that is a help, but I feel that I am wasting precious time.  In fact, I know I am.  I'm 29 years old, this is ridiculous.  We could get so much further if I could just find a big girl job - it wouldn't take that much, either.
• I must make exercise a part of my life somehow - even if I hate it with a burning passion.  (There.  I said it.)
• I must cut all forms of sugar out of my life.  It is the devil and could kill me.  (There. I said it.)
• I must, I must, I must increase my bust.  Mmkay, I got totally distracted... and the post ends here.

How about you?!  Are you resolving anything - or anti-resolving?