"Stuff the sausage in your pants, and go!"

The most shoplifted item in America?  Good ol' meat.  It's said that the most likely person to do this - is my average blog-reader, the middle-aged woman with a job.  I know it's wrong, it's bad, and I shouldn't laugh, but, I'm picturing some of you leaving your nice little desks at work, going over to Trader Joes, Whole Foods, or your local chain grocery store, and stuffing a big bloody pork tenderloin in your Spanx.  It's good to know that it's not stressed-unemployed-mom-of-four.  I couldn't do it, I'd hyperventilate at the thought of a cold Filet Mignon in my fuzzy velour jogging suit, and getting blood on my sneakers.   

It brings me back to my retail "management" days, when we were trained that our most likely shoplifter would be a "mom with a baby carriage."  I was told to watch "them like a hawk" because they'd shove clothes in the baby's gear and leave the store.  I saw that happen a couple of times, but there really isn't a thing you can do as a retail clerk in the store, unless you see every breathing moment that the person is in there, and you can't accuse them until they try to leave anyways.  It was a big hassle.  The only person I ever "caught" and called mall security on didn't fit the description of the "mom with a baby carriage" that the corporation tried to teach us about.  It was an older woman in her fifties, in a long fur coat, full face of heavy make-up, hair crisp with Aqua-net, stuffing gaudy Lane Bryant bracelets in her pockets and purse.  We kept her in the store, and called "Mall Security" which of course Is A Joke in that particular mall, and they accosted her, found the merchandise and called the police.  She was slapped with an order to not return to the mall, FOR SHAME! 

Somehow I'm thinking being LP in a grocery store would be fun - watching middle aged women finding places to play hide-the-meat!   That would be hilarious.

Wait, my mother fits in this category.  Mother, Have You Stolen Organic Angus Steaks From Whole Foods Lately?!