I've apparently had Way Too Many White Flour Carbohydrates, and for dessert, I had half a white hamburger bun (but, it's "organic?") I was full of lovely "air," having digestive discontent that is ending in a mass exodus, with a headache and now I'm quickly headed to carb-coma land. Let me mention though - that I've NEVER really made the connection between carbohydrates and THIS particular set of symptoms. Never. Not in three years. Not until I started reading Other Peoples' Experiences with carbohydrates and equated them with mine. Stupid ass!
So, here's a survey.
1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED?
*Aren't all pregnancies that occur when you are 18 years 24 days old? I mean, we were so totally stable, and ready, six months out of high school, right?
2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME?
*Technically engaged, by about 12 hours.
3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS?
*OH MAH ****ING GAWD.
4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU?
*Nah. Though, tossing myself down a flight of stairs was a fleeting thought.
5. HOW OLD WERE YOU?
6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
*When I gave birth. I was all, "Uh, wut dat, it done hurt!"
7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST?
*My Baby Daddy.
8.DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX?
9. DUE DATE?
10. DID YOU DELIVER EARLY OR LATE?
11. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?
*Every. Single. God Damned Day. Night. Middle of the night. All The Time. I puked EVERYWHERE.
12. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?
*Fresh lemonade, soft pretzels and McDonald's breakfast sandwiches. This, too, is why I got so FREAKING FAT.
13. WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST?
14. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILDS SEX?
15. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?
*I could take this question so far. But, I won't. Maybe I will. Hehehehe.
16. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY?
*Many, and often? I've been pregnant like, a hundred times.
17. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
18. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW?
*I knew. How could I NOT know?
19. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR DELIVERY?
*Yep. I was big and fat and a mess, with high-blood pressure bordering on pre-eclamptic and things jus' waiting to go wrong.
20. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
*In the field, whilst squatting, then back to work!
21.HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
*Eh, ten minutes, one push, and SWOOSH, there's the baby. Then, back to picking weeds.
22.WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?
*I was supposed to go to the hospital?
*The director of "Moms Gone Wild, Lactating Lovelies" and assorted crew.
24.WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION?
*However natural pushing a cantaloupe from your vahjayjay IS.
25.DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?
26.HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH?
*Not 65 lbs. I left the hospital weighing more than I started.
27.DID YOUR CHILD HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS?
*A slight case of "ImmaholdmahbreathandturnblueandyergonnaputmeintheNICU!"
28.WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?
*I went for the usual: "Get Back Here Now, Damnit!"
29. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY?
*Nearing double digits, pre-pubescent bitchdom has arrived. I'm getting old.