Classical Gas.

I've apparently had Way Too Many White Flour Carbohydrates, and for dessert, I had half a white hamburger bun (but, it's "organic?")  I was full of lovely "air," having digestive discontent that is ending in a mass exodus, with a headache and now I'm quickly headed to carb-coma land.  Let me mention though - that I've NEVER really made the connection between carbohydrates and THIS particular set of symptoms.  Never.  Not in three years.  Not until I started reading Other Peoples' Experiences with carbohydrates and equated them with mine.  Stupid ass!

So, here's a survey.

1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED?
*Aren't all pregnancies that occur when you are 18 years 24 days old?  I mean, we were so totally stable, and ready, six months out of high school, right?

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME?
*Technically engaged, by about 12 hours.

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS?
*OH MAH ****ING GAWD.

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU?
*Nah.  Though, tossing myself down a flight of stairs was a fleeting thought.

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU?
*18.

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
*When I gave birth.  I was all, "Uh, wut dat, it done hurt!"

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST?
*My Baby Daddy. 

8.DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX?
*Yep.  Did.

9. DUE DATE?
*09/16/1997

10. DID YOU DELIVER EARLY OR LATE?
*Coupla days.

11. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?
*Every. Single. God Damned Day.  Night.  Middle of the night.  All The Time.  I puked EVERYWHERE.

12. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?
*Fresh lemonade, soft pretzels and McDonald's breakfast sandwiches.  This, too, is why I got so FREAKING FAT.

13. WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST?
*Chafing thongs.

14. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILDS SEX?
*No penis.

15. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?
*I could take this question so far.  But, I won't.  Maybe I will.  Hehehehe.

16. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY?
*Many, and often?  I've been pregnant like, a hundred times.

17. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
*Yes.

18. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW?
*I knew.  How could I NOT know?

19. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR DELIVERY?
*Yep.  I was big and fat and a mess, with high-blood pressure bordering on pre-eclamptic and things jus' waiting to go wrong. 

20. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
*In the field, whilst squatting, then back to work!

21.HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
*Eh, ten minutes, one push, and SWOOSH, there's the baby.  Then, back to picking weeds.

22.WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?
*I was supposed to go to the hospital?

23.WHO WATCHED??
*The director of "Moms Gone Wild, Lactating Lovelies" and assorted crew.

24.WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION?
*However natural pushing a cantaloupe from your vahjayjay IS.

25.DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?
*Crack.

26.HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH?
*Not 65 lbs.  I left the hospital weighing more than I started.

27.DID YOUR CHILD HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS?
*A slight case of "ImmaholdmahbreathandturnblueandyergonnaputmeintheNICU!"

28.WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?
*I went for the usual:  "Get Back Here Now, Damnit!"

29. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY?
*Nearing double digits, pre-pubescent bitchdom has arrived.  I'm getting old.