I wanna be a beauty queen when I done grow up.

Freaking Friday.

Weight:  166 lbs.

The kids are all home today - the school system tosses in a teachers' day after two days in school - so the kids are off the wall.

This morning - I felt like my blood sugar was about to tank - and I was on the phone with my mother, when she said I unexpectedly started talking weird and hung up the phone.  (I realize now that I hung on with my cheek - because it happened again later with the cheek in the same spot.)  But I still felt horrible - shaky, nauseous, trippy.  I went ahead and tested, and my sugars were "high" for me - 150 mg.  Weird!  Perhaps I was dumping on my morning coffee.  The only difference was that I made it with Fat Free Simply Smart Half And Half instead of light cream or protein.  I waited a while and tested again - 88 mg exactly one hour later.  So, it must have been a dumping on the lactose - perhaps.  Anyways - it didn't feel good.

• 8am- 1 ISS Oh Yeah Protein Wafer 90 calories
• 9am- Coffee with Simply Smart Fat Free Half + Half (felt bad shortly after)
• 11am- 2 French Toast Sticks + 1 oz turkey (Argh. Made me sick, of course!  The kids found these in the freezer and begged to cook them.  I don't know who bought the ****ers, because it's an off limit food in my house.  I'm guessing they came in a food-service bag from BJ's or Sams' Club, They smelled so good, I had to taste one, then, two, and I dumped.)
• 2pm- 2 ISS Oh Yeah Protein Wafers 180 calories

In udder news:  I got a lead on a "big girl job" today.  The owner wants me to throw together a resume (laughable, my resume is a joke) and go chat with him.  Again, if it's enough money to cover day-care and allow me to bring home cash for all the weekly household needs (groceries, gas, kids needs, incidentals, clothing, etc..etc... anything that isn't a bill), I'm game.  I think that works out to about $38,000 a year.  We'd be a lot more relaxed if I could add that much to income - even if 1/3 or more will go to daycare costs.  I'll mention it if it turns into anything.

A loaded readah question.

"Why the protein bars/wafers?  Is it because they are easier to get down then meat protein?

I'm afraid I'd be a complete bitch (ALL the time) if I had to eat like the WLS success stories I've encountered. Does the hungry go away?

That email in the newest post is where I'm at. I see how beautiful you look and want to be there - but the food stuff and the illness has me really worried. I don't know if I want WLS that bad.

Is it really worth it?"

I'll reply in pieces, because this is a multi-part question.

• The protein bars? I eat them because they are ready to go, require no cooking, no prep, have the right nutrition, and certain ones digest so easily - and cause no gastric distress.  Many forms of meat protein are difficult to eat in the regular form - unless drowned in liquid.  That, and I am not going around with a can of chicken in my purse.  (When out to eat, I order meat or cheese, yes.)  For most meals though, I eat protein bars.  Meat doesn't always settle nicely in my pouch, and can cause nausea, retching, etc.  If I do eat meat, it's when I'm making it for the family - as I do not cook entire meals for my self or just the two of us, it's always a waste.

As for being a bitch, because I have to eat like this?

• That's a personal choice, I could eat differently if I wanted to badly enough.  It is VERY difficult to lose weight at this stage in the game, and I basically have to "starve" to do so at any point.  Eating like I do - random bits of small portions, is the way I can "maintain" or try to lose - when I eat more - I gain weight.
• I'm a bitch anyways - eating doesn't change it - BUT - considering that the coping mehanism of drowning feelings in food is gone - most of us get Super Bitchy.  Sure, you can still overeat - binge - graze - what have you, but, then you're dealing with the Fat again, after botching your body up with the weight loss surgery, and you're inching back to where you were! 
• Thin and bitchy is a given - you're a food addict with no "drug" anymore, how do you expect you are going to feel?  It doesn't magically disappear, it takes a very long time to relearn new habits, and the triggers that cause you to overeat in the first place do not go away either. 
• Living without your "coping" mechanism can backfire.  You can become The Bitchy, and you can get a transferred addiction (gambling, sex, alcohol, drugs, smoking, spending money, even exercising!) that is even worse that the food issues.

If you are wondering if you're not ready to give up many of the pleasures of eating food - you're not ready. 

It can really mess you up, if you are THAT addicted and not ready to consider the possibility of not having the stomach to handle many foods. 

Some post-ops cannot handle many foods at all - in variety - some vomit anything with substance and live on supplemental protein. 

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me - I cannot eat many raw veggies, tough meats, eggs, and milk.  That in combination with my pickier tastes (I also do not like any seafood, many other meats) leave my protein choices slim - cheese, beans, lean meat that I am willing to eat OR supplements. 

As for illness - do you mean the possible complications?  They don't happen to everybody - but - if the benefits of WLS outweigh the risks for your particular body - WLS is worth it. 

For someone like me, who had no complications of obesity - it seems like an unfair trade.  Yes, it was my CHOICE to have the WLS, I could have done without it.  I know this.  I do not blame anyone - but - much of this should have been explained to me pre-operatively four years ago.

I gave up a healthy (if obese) body for a smaller version that is getting "sick" due to the WLS.  The benefits, surely would have saved me if I stayed MO for longer than I did (I was only really big for about five years) perhaps keeping me from having Type II diabetes, heart issues, etc from the obesity. 

But, having WLS triggered other issues in me - (not speaking for anyone else, but there are others, ask around) like the bizarre hypoglycemic conditions I now deal with daily, the anemia, the vitamin deficiencies, etc.  I am nearly certain that other conditions will arise as I age, that can be attributed to my ****ed up digestion. 

We are merely lab rats for this WLS stuff, noone knows how healthy I'll be at 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90 years of age - who knows. 

Sure, it's likely I would have dropped dead at age 40 with a heart attack if I stayed at 320 lbs, too, so it's all a game of choices and risks.

What are you willing to risk?  That's a personal choice no one else can make for you. 

An email, I must have missed?

This was sitting in my trash-folder, along with other stuff that I apparently didn't see - like my Target Statement!?

"Wow. It's hard to have come upon your stuff. I was hoping there was a magic pill out there, but there isn't, is there. The options still suck.

 

In 2000 I was part of FA, a very rigid group of 12 step food addicts who never seemed happy. Thin but never happy. You remind me of them. It is unnerving to read your posts and know that you don't have the option to quit like I did. You've done the surgery thing and you have to live with the the mixed bag it brought you. I couldn't stay with the FA group. Even though the program helped me lose 150 lbs and got me to "normal", I found them too harsh and their methods too intrusive. They also wouldn't accept my taking Prozac. I left them and took my 150 lbs back.

 

I recently asked a post WLS acquaintance about what happens to the food addiction in the head. She didn't exactly give me a straight answer. She shortly thereafter was hospitalized for a severe dumping episode which exacerbated her cardiac problems. How I wish someone would tell me that after the surgyer, they don't abuse food or obsess about it.  Being thin and happy is cool, being thin and angry sucks.  I am afraid that if I had the surgery I would just find another way to be self destructive. Which is scarier than the slow death that being super obese causes.

 

I still don't know what to do, but thanks for your honesty. I would like to hear from people who are 3, 4, 5 years out from WLS. And I'd like to hear that they believed they'd made the right choice to alter their bodies and lives through surgery, not from people still in the process of losing or the starry-eyed people counting the days until their surgery dates. But then what I want to hear and the truth might be two different things."

Tool left inside after WLS.

Just saw this on OH.  A woman says had a tool left inside her during her WLS. Then, she pooped it out.

"i had my surgery on july 19 and was in icu for 6 days then went home and have been doubled over in pain went back to hosiptal and was put in for another 4 days and the dr. said there was nothing wrong with me and we would never know what the pain was well three days after i came home the last time i had a bowle movement and out came a surgal tool . i am in less pain now but still have some real pain in my left side .i called my surgon and asked that he call me right away it was an er. and two days later still have not heard from him .. i have talked to a couple laywers but they said they dont know if i have a case cause it dont sound like it did any long term problems .. but yet if you fall some w here and brake your foot you can sue and get at least 12,000 dollars but when a tool is left inside you ..you cant do anything ..this kinda burns me up .. why?????"

She pushed this thing out of her anus?  How is she not shredded internally? 

And, if she did - WHERE IS HER LAWYER?  Get thee to a lawyer with your baggie, woman!  And, from further inspection (aka other people looking online at bariatric tools) it seems that piece is part of a stapler?  Ouch.  Again, law-yer!  Yikes.  You don't really hear about this kind of thing happening often, thank goodness.

Fairy Proteinmother!

nataliedee.com

Thank you protein bar fairy! 

You're very kind to have sent those along.  My crack-stash is full to capacity at the moment, thanks to your gift and a lovely box from ISS Research!  :D  Thank you, ISS, too.  That is freaking awesome.  (They sent me a box, too, off all the flavors - which introduced me to my newest fave - VANILLA CREME!)

PS - Did I look like I was having a serious withdrawal or sumpin'?  I promise, I won't go apepoop if I run out again, I'll have to find more favorites!  Any finds - reviews wanted?  Tell me!

Thursday.

Weight

• Didn't.

Ate?

Breakast -

• 1 ISS Oh Yeah Protein Wafer (90 calories)

Lunch -

• 1 scoop Body Fortress Vanilla Protein (in ice + espresso, with SF vanilla syrup - 90 calories

Snacks-

• 1 ISS Oh Yeah Protein Wafer (90 calories) + Cucumber slices (made me nauseous!), then later, 1/2 serving "whole grain" Goldfish crackers (20 goldfish)

Took a 45 min - 1 hour walk (unsure, because I didn't look at the clock when I left, I only stopped and came home because I felt the swoosh coming on!)

Dinner

• 1/4 C mashed taters, 1 oz turkey breast

You Make Me Sick.

You make sick
I want you and I'm hatin' it
Got me lit like a candlestick
Get too hot when you touch the tip
I'm feeling it, I gotta get a grip on this
Driving me crazy baby don't you quit
Can't get enough of it
You got me going again
Baby you got me going again
You make sick."

These lyrics, from Pink - describe my addiction to, uh, certain.......................foods.  Even though some of these foods will make me physically sick, I will still push the limits and eat them regardless.

But, not lately.  I haven't had many real good "dumps" lately.  (Not that kind of dumping, you piggy.) 

Perhaps, I am not pushing the limits as far anymore?  Maybe my blood sugar lows have sort of scared me into NOT eating too much of the wrong kind of food?  I don't know - it's just something I realized now - "Man, I haven't really dumped in a while."  Maybe, I'm also realizing the different ways my body reacts to foods that might not be so good for me, and getting better at avoiding them because of that.

I can now tell the difference between a "dumping" and a blood sugar low.  A dumping is entirely different.  It's more more gastric-ally involved - I get nauseated, and within moments, I HAVE TO LAY DOWN.  I never throw up, but I wish I could when it's happening.

The blood sugar low is bizarre - I look and act as if I were intoxicated somehow.  I get shaky, very much so.  My hands tremble.  I sweat.  I may get dizzy.  I start pacing.  I usually do not realize WHAT THE HELL MY PROBLEM IS until someone tells me - or - I note how "stupid" I feel.

Side note:  The day I hit the pole with my car, during a low sugar?  The p-doc I saw *that day* told me that it was probably an episode of a psych issue?  WTF?  This pisses me off now, realizing my symptoms more clearly, what a way to lay blame on things, things that we're not even sure of.

Wednesday.

Uh.  Today's eating wasn't so grand.   Half of the kids went to school today - the other half to my IL's - and I went for my first day of w@rk.  If the blogging slows - that's my explanation, damn it!  (Wait, what, you're working?!)  Yeah, kinda, I guess.  Part-time, during some school hours and weekends.  If we can make this work for the time being, at some point in the coming year, I'd really like to find a real big-girl full time position.  I know, I know, having children IS a full time job, and Being A Sunshiney-Filled Stay At Home Mommy Is So Fulfilling!  But, uh, no.  It never is unless you have extra $$$.

But, who's gon' pay for deeze here childrens?  (Yes, he's been doing alright - but - they're growing.  They're eating more.  They need things, and Mama needs some shoes, God Damn It!)

Breakast

• Four little slices of a bagel with spray butter

Lunch

• Fruit/ice smoothie

Snack

• Pasta + parmesan cheese (My daughters dinner - which she turned her nose at and I ate because it was there, at my MIL's house, they were babysitting for me.)

Dinner

• 1 ISS Protein Wafer
• 1 oz mozzarella

Snacks

• 2 Lindt Truffles (just cuz dey be here.)
• 1/2 of a rice cake with peanut butter, wasn't feeling it - threw it away, made me gag!
• 2 green olives to compensate for the nasty-ass peanut taste
• Now, coffee.  Sleepy.

Beth asked, "how'd it go?"  It went well.  :)  I'm not really concerned - beyond finding time to work.

i-ron.

I’m sitting here with an IV stuck to my hand in infusion suite at the hematologist’s office.  My blood levels are still in a low normal range, so the doctor has suggested that I can slow my iron infusions to once a month.  This is good progress.   

I got a copy of my counts to bring home and save from this series of infusions.  The medicine (Ferrlicit 125 mgs weekly) has worked, I went from a HGB of 8 to 11.7 and a HCT of 26 to 36.4.  The hematologist has said before that this treatment will most likely be a life-long process, getting tanked up on iron when it starts to dip.

Skype?

Anybody out there use it?  I've been signed up forever, but never used it.  So?  Do you?  I could totally set up group chats with this - right?

 

Calling other people on Skype	Free
Transfer Skype calls to other Skype contacts	Free
Video calls on Skype	Free
One-to-one and group chats	Free
Conference calls with up to nine people	Free
Forwarding calls to other Skype Names

we still be hitched. <3

happy anniversary mr. mm.

(that was our first dance, eight years ago.)

Shake that azz, Tubbies.

NFSW.  I am rolling over here.  No, I'm dancing.  Try not to.  Go on, click it - you know you want to.  You're at work - hahahahahaha!  Get yo ass fired!

I jumped into Tuesday, I had myself a snoozeday.

Forgive me - I bought a Laurie Berkner CD, and her songs are stuck in my head.

Today is my wedding anniversary - and we're celebrating with an iron infusion.  :x 

To be fair - he did call around for prices to take me someplace, but when he figured out the cost of taking off to the casino for a weekend night, it was just too much to consider.  (He did confer with me, and I was all, "How? Much?  No!  We need things before THAT!")  Maybe in a few weeks, we can go on a real "date."

Weight

• 166 lbs.

Breakfast

• Coffee with Met-Rx Protein RTD as creamer/50 calories

Lunch

• Bariatric Advantage High Protein Cereal 94 calories/15 protein

Dinner

• Out - Olive Garden.  Two pieces bruschetta with tons of tomatoes and dipped in cheese, two black olives, three bites minestrone soup.

Snack

• 1 Oh Yeah Protein Wafer 90 calories

A law of blogging.

It was just a matter of time that I would finally attract negative comments to this blog.  Honestly, I am surprised that this is the first time that I have dealt with any negative (not necessarily off the mark, but negative all the same, some are good for opening communication and starting new topics) comments or emails. 

I figured I would have received backlash regarding various arrays of topics before this - but it never happened, so I assumed that it was just because no one was reading it.  Perhaps I was just talking to myself, right?  We don't have to agree, what makes blogging worthwhile sometimes is having a different opinion than everybody else, isn't it?  Isn't that the sole reason for many people To Blog?  So, they can voice their slightly askew view of a topic or range of topics?  I, for one, like to read other peoples' views on subjects that I am interested in.

It kind of kicks my ass that the first negativity I receive is against me is regarding parenting, then the fact that I am unemployed, with four kids, and that I have made $200.00 in two years of blogging. Then, today, another kick in the ass.  This comment - from another fake email address.  I immediately assume it's a  regular reader whom had been afraid to comment from their own email - because I out-ed the last negative comment-leavers.

While she makes valid points, some are untrue - and make me feel like I have to defend myself immediately.  This comment makes me want to stop posting any real-life situations, and go to anonymous fat-blogging.

"For all the talk about obese childhood experiences, and MM's efforts to change things for her kids, I still have to wonder how, at 6 months all, a baby, completely dependent on her parents for food is as fat as she is. I suspect part of the clue is found in those adorable pics of her eating cake.

From many of her posts, especially her daily food logs, it is has been pretty consistent to me that MM continues to have major food issues herself. It's carb city most of the time, or protein cloaked in carb-like forms.....It's not a surprise she's had the blood sugar issues she is having. Get a grip, don't poopoo your psych visits and deal with your food addictions."

 

Posted by: ToBeHonest | 2007.08.27 at 02:16 AM

Of course, I must respond, I tried to do it privately - but it was a fake email address.

The child, eating cake?  Not my child. 

I can understand how you'd think it was - it's her cousin. 

My baby hasn't had cake, she's ten months old, and may have a taste of something in her high chair at her first birthday, also - but we're actually not serving cake.  *sigh* 

Edited to add:  My ten month old is "fat" (whatever a ten month old should weigh - I do not know.  She is 24 pounds) due, entirely, to drinking too much infant formula.  (We're weaning her from the bottles and from the formula itself.  This is more difficult in part, because she's apparently somewhat allergic to whole organic milk, because since introducing milk - she's had a lovely red lacy rash sporadically, and green frothy diarrhea!  Is that what you would like to read about?)  Scroll down to see the rashy baby.

You'll note that my food logs are never complete.  If they were - I'd be 98 lbs. by now.  Think about it.  I do the majority of my eating from 3pm-11pm, and rarely do I finish blogging it.  I start with good intentions and lose them.  That is normal for a crack-`head food addict like myself.  Even if I'm just noshing on watermelon, flaxseed bread, cheese and a protein bar, very rarely do I stay on track each day.  Obviously, if I am maintaining a body weight of 164-169 lbs, I am eating way more calories than the requisite 1000.  This comment makes me want to be even less open about it.   Makes me consider, again, not posting.  Are you perfect?  I never once claimed to be.

My blood sugar issues are entirely random.  Should I not have ever mentioned them?  I crashed last night after a normal high protein lower simple carb meal.  Completely random.  I crash by exercising.  So?  I'm dealing with it.

The psych visit comment, just, whatever.  *sigh*  I knew sharing any part of that would bite me in the ass.  That was a risk I took.  I shared it initially, because it was on-topic due to the diagnosis of the cognitive disorder in relation to the possible vitamin deficiencies.  I'm in a hard place now - because weekly visits are next to impossible, and now I owe them money for missed appointments.  Again, another appointment tomorrow, which I must cancel right now (24 hour rule) because I don't have a sitter - and I can't afford to give them the two-hundred plus cash that is owed.  Argh.  I won't talk about that again, will I?

Negative, negative, POSITIVE:

Anything else you'd like to add - anonymous commenter?  Oh, wait, I just thought of something.  BRB.

 

 

Help! Any pedi nurses/docs out there? Moms of allergic kids?

Yes, I will call the doctor.

But, for now - here are the symptoms.

Look at her skin.  It's red and rashy, blotchy (click on photo - to see her arms.)

With this, comes random explosive green-tinged bowel movements.  I've immediately blamed it on milk.  I had started giving her whole milk in place of the dairy-based infant formula (She's had Similac Advance, and the generic equal.  With no obvious ill effects since about 2 months old, where I attempted soy instead because of some nasty poops.)

I stopped giving her any whole milk, but she's still fussy, rashy and poopy.

If she can't have whole milk - what does she drink?  Soy milk?  Rice milk?  Goat?

Any experiences out there?  I have no problem keeping milk away - I just need an alternative until she's eating more actual food.  Figures.

Obligatory. Because.

Tamara asked, "Why the protein bars...to control nausea?"

Nope.   Some of us find, after WLS, that some foods work better than others. 

For me, many regular meals cause distress by either gastric dumping (food hits the middle of the small intestine instantly after going through the small pouch, causing sickness) so I do not eat much variety.  Some foods are entirely off-limits - such as, Spinach! and Cold Cereal!  I get very very sick from some foods. 

Also, some foods or combinations of foods cause me to have a bizarre reactive hypoglycemic reaction.  (See yesterday's dinner.  Beef ribs and broccoli.  My blood sugar dipped to 35 one hour after eating.  I would have passed out if my kids didn't feed me sugar.)

Weight

• I really don't give a poop today. 

Breakfast

• Protein Bar - ISS Oh Yeah Protein Wafers 180 calories

Lunch

• Black beans and rice till full, about 1/2-3/4C

Snack

• Protein Bar - ISS Oh Yeah Protein Wafers 180 calories

Dinner

• Protein Bar - ISS Oh Yeah Protein Wafers
• 1/4 cup pastina + homemade tomato "sauce", 1 TBSP mozzarella, 1 TBSP ricotta

Took a 1 hour walk in circles outdoors.  Came home slightly hypoglycemic.  Hence the second dinner.

Today's Foods
	Food Name	Servings	Serving Size	Cals	Fat	Carb	Prot
	ISS Protein Wafter Sticks		serving	540	36	9	45
	Red beans and rice		cup Quantity not specified	188	5	30	6
	Pasta with tomato sauce, meatless		cup Quantity not specified	47	0	10	2
	Cheese, mozzarella, part skim milk		oz	36	2	0	3
	Cheese, ricotta, part skim milk		cup oz cup	39	2	1	3
Totals				850	45	51	60

Photographic Evidence of the Chubby Babies.

My first born:

Then, at age ONE, yes, eating her cake.  THA HORROR!

Number two:

Ignore the FAT lady.

Number three:

Number four, at ten months:

Donating excess skin?

A story at The Boston Globe last month describes how it might be possible for all the excess skin we former fat folks shed during our plastic surgeries can be used for live skin donations. 

This is interesting to me, because, we were always told it was not possible, ever, to donate.

As the number of doctors nationwide seeking skin grafts for complex surgeries continues to grow, so, too, does their need for the precious tissue. The need for large grafts now exceeds the supply of skin available from deceased donors, said the transplant foundation. The shortage sent researchers on a yearlong mission to design a process for turning skin from living donors into usable grafts.

"The challenge with this skin is that even though patients have lost a lot of weight, the skin still had a lot of fat attached to it," said Martha Anderson, executive vice president of donor services at the foundation.

So scientists devised a method to remove all the fat when they removed the top layer of donated skin. They also get rid of the cells, leaving what is called a collagen matrix. Removing cells keeps a recipient's body from reacting to the graft as if it were foreign matter, which is a primary concern in organ transplants. The harvested skin is then implanted in patients whose bodies use this as a scaffolding to start rebuilding skin on their own, Anderson said.

I hereby announce that my sack-o-skin is up for grabs.  It's yours for the taking, but I need it cut off first.

For more information on the skin donation program, go to mtf.org.

(And, yes, I applied to donate.)

, originally uploaded by Melting Mama.