Choose Your Own Adventure - Intestine Pain Version!

Thanks to the internet I can play Choose-Your-Own-Adventure-With-Gut-Pain!  

What could it be?  Is it rectal prolapse?  Nooooooo!  Is it a hernia?  COULD BE!  Is it divertic....STFU?  May-BE!  It's all so EXCITING!  

o_o

Thanks, WebMD!

• Stomach flu (enteritis): Inflammation of the small intestine. Infections (from viruses, bacteria, or parasites) are the common cause.
• Small intestine cancer: Rarely, cancer may affect the small intestine. There are multiple types of small intestine cancer, causing about 1,100 deaths each year.
• Celiac disease: An "allergy" to gluten (a protein in most breads) causes the small intestine not to absorb nutrients properly. Abdominal pain and weight loss are usual symptoms.
• Carcinoid tumor: A benign or malignant growth in the small intestine. Diarrhea and skin flushing are the most common symptoms.
• Intestinal obstruction: A section of either the small or large bowel can become blocked or twisted or just stop working. Belly distension, pain, constipation, and vomiting are symptoms.
• Colitis: Inflammation of the colon. Inflammatory bowel disease or infections are the most common causes.
• Diverticulosis: Small weak areas in the colon's muscular wall allow the colon's lining to protrude through, forming tiny pouches called diverticuli. Diverticuli usually cause no problems, but can bleed or become inflamed.
• Diverticulitis: When diverticuli become inflamed or infected, diverticulitis results. Abdominal pain and constipation are common symptoms.
• Colon bleeding (hemorrhage): Multiple potential colon problems can cause bleeding. Rapid bleeding is visible in the stool, but very slow bleeding might not be.
• Inflammatory bowel disease: A name for either Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis. Both conditions can cause colon inflammation (colitis).
• Crohn's disease: An inflammatory condition that usually affects the colon and intestines. Abdominal pain and diarrhea (which may be bloody) are symptoms.
• Ulcerative colitis: An inflammatory condition that usually affects the colon and rectum. Like Crohn's disease, bloody diarrhea is a common symptom of ulcerative colitis.
• Diarrhea: Stools that are frequent, loose, or watery are commonly called diarrhea. Most diarrhea is due to self-limited, mild infections of the colon or small intestine.
• Salmonellosis: Salmonella bacteria can contaminate food and infect the intestine. Salmonella causes diarrhea and stomach cramps, which usually resolve without treatment.
• Shigellosis: Shigella bacteria can contaminate food and infect the intestine. Symptoms include fever, stomach cramps, and diarrhea, which may be bloody.
• Traveler's diarrhea: Many different bacteria commonly contaminate water or food in developing countries. Loose stools, sometimes with nausea and fever, are symptoms.
• Colon polyps: Polyps are growths inside the colon.  Colon cancer can often develop in these tumors after many years. 
• Colon cancer: Cancer of the colon affects more than 100,000 Americans each year. Most colon cancer is preventable through regular screening.
• Rectal cancer: Colon and rectal cancer are similar in prognosis and treatment. Doctors often consider them together as colorectal cancer.
• Constipation: When bowel movements are infrequent or difficult. 
• Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS): Irritable bowel syndrome, also known as IBS, is an intestinal disorder that causes irritable abdominal pain or discomfort, cramping or bloating, and diarrhea or constipation.
• Rectal prolapse: Part or all of the wall of the rectum can move out of position, sometimes coming out of the anus, when straining during a bowel movement.
• Intussusception: Occurring mostly in children, the small intestine can collapse into itself like a telescope. It can become life-threatening if not treated.

PS.  Disclaimer - I'm just messing around, do not take your medical advice from the internet because that would be bad.  I have no idea what the hell is going on in my gut, all actual medical tests pointed to nothing in particular so far.  I am simply waiting to implode or explode so that I can get medical attention.  Thanks.