I figure that if I can't respond, I might as well earn money from the hate I garner, no?
PS. This stuff is EXTRAORDINARILY HATEFUL. If you are easily angered, go take your happy first and come back. Also, I know the truth, I realize this is NOT my problem. However, in the spirit of being open, honest and in my way of TMI -- you get to see what I see. I also realize that 'haters gon hate,' and all that jazz. But you might as well see it. I don't want pity. I'm not the one who needs it. Clearly.
Today I was pointed to a forum that was loaded with all sorts of anger, some directed at me, quite pointedly. "Why?" I don't understand, to be honest. There are some really effed up accusations, and I only read two threads. I copied it all and sent it to my husband -- because he was involved in the hate -- and I was deleted from the forum.
Munchhausen syndrome is a type of factitious disorder, or mental illness, in which a person repeatedly acts as if he or she has a physical or mental disorder when, in truth, he or she has caused the symptoms. People with factitious disorders act this way because of an inner need to be seen as ill or injured, not to achieve a concrete benefit, such as financial gain. They are even willing to undergo painful or risky tests and operations in order to get the sympathy and special attention given to people who are truly ill. Some will secretively injure themselves to cause signs like blood in the urine or cyanosis of a limb. Munchhausen syndrome is a mental illness associated with severe emotional difficulties.
I was not aware that I could be diagnosed via internet postings, and especially not a factitious disorder.
This means I have an inner need to WHAT exactly?
Get more attention from a...neurologist?
Honestly, I have the opposite problem. I fail to follow up and consequently show up to appointments with my doctors. Ask my neurologist the LAST TIME I actually saw him. Ask how many appointments I failed to keep. Dr Bernard Chang, Beth Israel Medical Center, Boston, MA. If you must know, I felt extraordinarily bad about this and emailed once again for a check up YESTERDAY.
Why? Because I still have seizures while on medication, and I'm pretty sure we could do better with a different treatment at this point. Does THAT make me have Munchhausen's? For seeking treatment from a neuro less than once a year? Hell, it's been so long, I can't even refill my scripts! Honestly, TOO? He keeps suggesting brain surgery. That scares the ever-living-shit out of me. I am AFRAID TO HAVE A HOLE IN MY HEAD. Even with a seizure every few days -- do. not. want. You will say that "THAT PROVES YOU HAVE Munchhausen's, CAUSE YOUR DOCTOR WANTS TO CUT YOUR HEAD OPEN YOU CRAZY BITCH!"
Go ahead, go violate some HIPPA. I don't mind.
Here -- I'll violate myself for you:
Outpatient - 12/20/2011
LOCALIZATION-RELATED (FOCAL) (PARTIAL) EPILEPSY AND EPILEPTIC SYNDROMES WITH COMPLEX PARTIAL SEIZURES, WITH INTRACTABLE EPILEPSY
Let us NOT forget that I sought out treatment for lower left quadrant abdominal pain in 1/2011. How dare I? I was diagnosed with pancreatitis and severe constipation.
HOW DARE I? I kept seeking treatment, eventually seeking out my Bariatric Surgeon to make sure I didn't have an internal hernia in that location. At the time, I did not.
But HOW DARE I CONTINUE TO HAVE ANY PAIN IN MY ABDOMEN! OMG, IBS! OMG! MM might have IBS! Or, painful constipation? HOW DARE SHE.
OR, <gasp> EPILEPTIC SEIZURES!?
Bitch, GOOGLE THIS: "polymicrogyria" It's in my brain. OOPS.
there does appear to be a
somewhat irregular appearance of the cortex of the posterior right
suprasylvian region, which could raise the question of the presence of
polymicrogyria involving the posterior frontal and anterior parietal lobes.
DR. JONATHAN KLEEFIELD
So. I have a factitious disorder? I'm FAKING this?
"Excuse me doc, could you rearrange my BRAIN FOLDS so that I can FAKE IT?"
Or, you think I am faking it for ATTENTION. Sure. That's likely. I LOVE the attention I get from driving my CAR INTO A TREE. That was ... pleasant. I ADORE THE STIGMA of Public Seizures. LOVE IT. /sarcasm
Disease characteristics. Polymicrogyria is characterized by stable neurologic deficits, i.e., a "static encephalopathy." The mildest form, unilateral focal polymicrogyria, may have minimal neurologic manifestations. In more severe forms, focal, motor, sensory, visual, or cognitive problems may be present, depending on the brain region affected. In the most widespread form, bilateral generalized polymicrogyria, severe intellectual disability, cerebral palsy, and refractory epilepsy may be present.
Bitches, you're lucky I am upright. And that I can use a computer. Get over it.
In fact, it bothers me more to admit to failing to following through with my check-ups. I fail as my own advocate because of that. More often than not, I don't follow through with things. It's not a pervasive technique -- or trying to garner ANYTHING -- I just do not remember, do not drive, forget my appointments and I FAIL. I am human. I suck. Deal with it.
We all suck at some things. This is one of mine. Also: remaining conscious. I kinda suck at that. But, it's real. I'm sorry. I know I don't have to apologize for truth, but obviously some of you need a reminder.
Next, "I bet your husband doesn't know the THINGS you post about him?" Coming soon...